The truth of being a cyclical being in a world made for men
I’ve always been a hard worker, always been in the honors programs, always got the job, always got into the prestigious clubs, but for some reason I always felt lazy or like I didn’t belong. Like somehow I just weaseled my way in. I always felt like I was looking for a short cut, and I sure as hell compared myself to my older siblings who always seemed to have it together.
When I started working full time, this feeling crept in more than ever due to the fear of getting caught for not being able to operate like a machine. I lived in a constant fear that I would get fired even though I was the most mentally and physically exhausted I’d ever been. When I had free time and scrolled on my phone in the office I’d jump if someone walked behind me and saw me “slacking off.”
I wondered why some weeks felt easier than others, and I found myself repeatedly saying to myself “I feel like my life is just a cycle.” The pressure got so overwhelming that I did what I knew best, I called my brother Thomas. He was always the person I went to for career advice because when I got into college he looked out for me by encouraging me to apply for internships as soon as possible. I appreciated him for setting me up for success, and I knew he’d have great advice to reassure me I was on the “right path,” doing the “right thing.”
On a random Tuesday night, I sat down on the couch pulled up my computer and called him, and his now wife, Christie. I started to describe why I was feeling so anxious about work, through tears, and repeated “I feel like I’m living in a cycle. Some days I get so much done and feel like I can accomplish anything, while others I can’t seem to achieve anything. What’s wrong with me?”
Both Thomas and Christie reassured me that I was going to be okay and they provided me with productivity hacks like “block your time and work for 30 minutes straight and then reward yourself with a 10 minute break.” I took their advice and tried implementing it at work, but the feeling remained.
Today when I look back at this point of my life, I have a mix of emotions. On one hand, I find it pretty comical and on the other hand I find it outrageous. How crazy is it that a cyclical being was questioning why her life felt like a cycle and asking questions like “what’s wrong with me?”
Today I say to her, “Amanda, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. You are a cyclical being having a cyclical experience and once you’re able to acknowledge this and connect to your cycle, you will be unstoppable. You will listen to your body first and foremost. You will take care of yourself and reach new levels of depth and creativity. You will thrive and pave the way for future generations of women to feel at home in their body and connect back to their birthright. You will teach women how inherently powerful they are. You will teach them they were never meant to fit the male mold of success. They were meant to define their own. They were meant to thrive as feminine cyclical beings, and they were meant to heal the world with their love, compassion and their ability to feel so deeply.”
If you are a woman that also feels consistently burnt out, I encourage you to begin to learn about how you can live in alignment with your cycle. Learning more about mine has been the most liberating and empowering experience. Something that once felt like a curse, now feels like a blessing and every woman deserves to experience this shift.
If you wish to learn more, subscribe to my newsletter as I will be sharing more helpful resources on the topic. I also highly recommend reading In the Flo by Alyssa Vitti, it’s a great place to start.
I also want you to know that reconnecting with your cycle is a personal journey that should be taken with patience. If you choose to get off of birth control, make sure it’s the right decision for you and that you are ready for the responsibility. I know multiple women that have gotten off of birth control and have gotten pregnant. If you choose to reconnect to your inner wisdom, you need to take your time to really understand what your body is telling you. Do not rush into unprotected sex because you think you are past your fertile window – you must KNOW. Do your research, take your time and definitely don’t let a man pressure you into anything you’re not ready for.
You deserve to be body literate and everything worthwhile takes a little time and effort. (Even though this should have been taught to us in school – it’s now our responsibility to educate ourselves and bring awareness so future generations of women can thrive and receive the education they are entitled to.)
Sending you so much love & more to come soon.
Xoxo
Amanda
